The Inconveniences of Living with a Psychopath
by Lolapola
Summary: Sebastian tries, he really does, but sometimes Jim doesn't make it easy. Day to day life with him is often a struggle. Crack!fic.


I have no idea. Apologies. Written and edited very late at night. Very cracky. Dialogue based on the Youtube series Llamas with Hats. Very dark humour.

Disclaimer: Not much of this belongs to me.

The Inconveniences of Living with a Psychopath

Sebastian walked into his flat and threw his keys down, rolling his shoulders and sighing. It had been a long day and he was looking forward to putting his feet up with a nice cup of tea. He opened the fridge and sniffed the milk gingerly – his flatmate wasn't the best at keeping up with sell by dates on things. Seemed okay. He shut the fridge door and turned – and stopped short.

There was a pause. "Jim!" he called eventually. There was another pause, and then a pattering of feet, and his flatmate appeared in the doorway, a bright smile on his face.

"Why," asked Sebastian wearily, "is there a dead person in our house?"

Jim looked at the bloodied corpse on the floor and widened his eyes innocently. "Oh, hey, how'd he get here?" he said, rather unconvincingly.

Sebastian put the milk on the counter and leant against it, rubbing his forehead. "Jim, what did you do?"

"Me?" cried Jim, "I didn't do this!"

_Lord give me strength. _"Explain what happened, Jim."

"I've never seen this person before in my life!" his flatmate insisted, a hurt look on his face.

"Why did you kill this man?" Sebastian pressed. He was beginning to feel sorry for whoever interrogated Jim on the rare occasions he was arrested.

"I don't kill people! That's…that's my _least_ favourite thing to do."

"For God's sake," Sebastian muttered under his breath. All he had wanted was a nice quiet evening. "Tell me exactly what you were doing before I came home."

"Well, I was in the living room…" Jim began.

"Okay…."

"I was..um…sitting on the sofa…"

"Yes…"

"Reading a…book…"

Sebastian almost laughed. He didn't think he'd ever seen Jim read a book. "Go on."

"And, um…this guy walked in…."

"Yes…"

"And I…stabbed him in the chest."

There was a long silence, during which Sebastian resisted the urge to facepalm.

"Jim," Sebastian said at last, "That kills people."

"Oh, really?" cried Jim in mock surprise, "I did…I did not know that."

Sebastian groaned. "_Seriously_?" Was he honestly going to go for ignorance to defend himself here?

"Yeah, I'm in the wrong here. I suck."

Sebastian sighed and put the kettle on. He was going to have to get rid of the body, because Jim never did….something about the corpse caught his attention as he looked around the kitchen for the sugar, and he peered closer. Jim was still standing by the door, picking at the wallpaper sulkily.

"Where are his hands?" Sebastian said suddenly.

"Hm?"

"His hands. Why are they missing?"

"I..um.. kind of cut them up. And ate them."

_For fuck's sake. _"Jim!"

"Well, I was hungry. And you know, when you crave hands…"

Sebastian couldn't even tell if he was joking anymore. "Why on earth would you do that?"

"I was hungry for hands, give me a break!"

"For God's sake Jim…" Sebastian went back to his tea, shaking his head.

"My stomach was making the rumblies," Jim sniggered.

"Shut up."

"That only hands could satisfy."

Sebastian snorted a laugh as he threw the teabag away. "Ugh, what is wrong with you?" he laughed.

Jim grinned, glad he was back in his flatmate's good books. "Well, I kill people and eat hands, that's – that's two things."

-LINEBREAK-

"Jim, what on earth was all that?"

"I'm not sure what you're referring to."

"You sank an entire cruise ship, Jim!"

Sebastian and Jim were sitting in a small lifeboat, watching their cruise ship sink slowly behind them. This was supposed to be a nice relaxed holiday for the two of them, to get away from the pressures of work and this Sherlock business Jim was becoming obsessed with recently.

But no, his errant flatmate had got carried away. Again. And now they had to get to get home on this tiny lifeboat instead of the lovely ship they had been on. And once again, Jim was trying to wriggle out of it.

"Are you sure that was me?" he wheedled, "I think I would've remembered something like that."

"Jim, I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain's face."

He smirked. "That sounds dangerous."

"You were throwing children off the ship." That wasn't exactly a tragedy. They had been extremely annoying. But Jim had ruined their holiday, and he was going to answer for it this time.

"That must've been horrifying to watch." Jim was all out laughing now, and Sebastian was getting more irritated.

"Then you started kissing the ice sculptures!" That had just been embarrassing.

"Thank God the children weren't on board to see it!"

Sebastian threw his hands up in exasperation. It was impossible to argue with Jim. "I'm going to check the maps," he muttered, and strode over to the cabin. But when he opened the door, a horrible smell filtered out. There was something on the floor….oh, for God's sake.

"Jim, why is the floor all red and sticky?" he shouted.

Jim appeared next to him and peered into the cabin. "Hmm, I guess you could say it is red and sticky," he remarked amiably.

"Jim," he growled in a warning tone.

"Would you believe it's strawberry milkshake?"

"No, I would not believe that!"

"Melted gumdrops?"

"No."

"Boat nectar?"

"Nope."

"Some of God's tears?"

"Jim!" Sebastian had had enough of Jim's games. This wasn't funny.

"Fine," Jim rolled his eyes, "it's that lovely elderly couple from 2B."

Oh, for – "Jim!"

"Well, they were stealing all the croissants at breakfast."

"I can't believe this," Sebastian growled, shutting the door and going to the other end of the boat. He wasn't standing in that mess, not with his new shoes he'd bought especially for the holiday.

"I will not apologise for art," Jim was saying haughtily behind him. Sebastian ignored him and looked over the side for the other survivors. There had been loads of lifeboats, but Jim had insisted that they have this one to themselves, and Sebastian had been so sick of the carnage on board that he'd agreed. But now he realised the sea was empty, apart from the debris and the cruise ship that had nearly sunk beneath the surface. A dark sense of foreboding came over him.

"Where are the other lifeboats?"

Jim stepped up onto the bow beside him. "Oh, you won the prize, I didn't even notice that!" he cried cheerfully.

"Where are the other lifeboats, Jim?"

"Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun…"  
_Don't hit him, don't hit him, don't hit him…._

"….probably at the bottom of the ocean." Silence. "I threw them overboard, with weights attached!" he announced triumphantly.

"I swear to God, Jim…"

"I have a problem. A serious problem." Sebastian wondered if was trying to sound proud of this.

"You are just terrible today!"

"Shhh!" Jim said suddenly, and turned to smile winningly at him. "Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."

Sebastian looked back at him, unimpressed. "That's the sound of people drowning, Jim."

"That is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming and then silence."

Sebastian began to count to ten in his head.

-LINEBREAK-

"Jim," Sebastian said heavily, "We were _supposed _to be on holiday."

After their cruise idea had gone south, Sebastian had booked a different one – this time on dry land. He had been convinced Jim would behave this time.

"I don't know about you, but I'm having a lovely time here."

Sebastian cradled his head in his hands. "You toppled a South American government, Jim."

"The people have spoken!" Jim laughed victoriously, "Viva la resistance!"

Sebastian turned his back on the burning city that lay beneath their villa and scowled at Jim.

"Oh yeah?" he cried incredulously, "Then why'd you kill the resistance _leader_?"

"He was a traitor and a scoundrel."

"He was trying to stop you from killing other people! Admit it, Jim, you were _working_! On our holiday! I swear, I can't take you anywhere!"

Jim folded his arms. "See, that hurt my feelings. Now we're both in the wrong."

Sebastian shoved past him and stormed into the house. "And you've tracked mud all over the carpet!" He shouted over his shoulder. "It was cleaned yesterday!"

He went to their room, Jim trailing behind. "I want to go home. We're leaving."

"Then I should probably warn you -" Jim's explanation was cut off by Sebastian opening their suitcases to reveal a selection of body parts. Sebastian stared for a minute, and then rounded on his flatmate furiously.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he shouted, "These are _new,_ I spent a fortune on them, you know I did, and now they're all – just, why, Jim? Why?"

Jim looked confused. "Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence."

There was a long silence while Sebastian sat heavily on the bed and Jim patted him comfortingly on the shoulder. "I don't understand how you keep forgetting that."


End file.
